As I write more things and Google shuttles my links around at the speed of light, I’ve noticed that people have come across my blog using some strange (sometimes disturbing) search terms. Sometimes, they’re actually looking for me, or my Evil Twin, “Teresa Jutsnio.” One person actually found my blog by looking up “Crotchetiness With Teresa” which is HILARIOUS, AND SHALL NOW BE THE TITLE OF THE TV SHOW I WILL HOST WHEN I’M OLD. So, I thought I’d start regularly sharing some of them with you. Because seriously…how do these people find me?!
Looking for Celebs in All The Wrong Places:
When people find me, chances are they’re actually looking for Matt Smith, Sasha Roiz, Alessandra Torresani, Lady Gaga, or Daniel Tosh. Which makes sense, as I’ve written about all those people at some point, sometimes more than once! However, there are some odd celeb-related searches…
“Matt Smith in drag” (14 searches), “Daniel Tosh feet” (9), “Sasha Roiz gay” (5), “Matt Smith kissing a boy” (5), “Lady Gaga hot body” (4), “Daniel Tosh toes” (3), “celebrity fuck Lady Gaga” (2), “is China Mieville a woman?” (1), “Matt Smith hearing aid” (1), “Billie Piper gets fucked in the ass” (1), “Jake Gyllenhaal santa hat” (1), “Hayley Williams ass” (1), “George Lucas dinner party” (1), “electric kiss Stefani Germanotta lesbian” (1), “Josh Hutcherson sexuality” (1).
A couple of things about these:
1) Looking up whether or not people are gay is really popular. So is looking up dirty pictures of female celebrities.
2) George Lucas apparently had a dinner party I was NOT invited to! (For shame, George Lucas!)
3) Someone out there has a Daniel Tosh foot fetish. Understandable. The guy has nice feet.
4) Everyone wants to know if guys are gay, or they’re looking up female celebrity asses. Either way, it’s all about the junk in one’s trunk and what gets done with it.
5) I’m not the only one who looks up pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead. Can you blame me? He’s insanely hot in that movie!
Since FOURTEEN PEOPLE found me because they were looking for Matt Smith in drag, allow me to oblige…
Should I Call The Police?:
Um, then there are these…
“sex with little sister” (3), “little girl genitals” (2), “pretty little girls non nude” (2), “oops you can see her pussy” (2), “little girl showing her pussy” (2), “perverts jacking off to little girls” (2), “woman who likes little girls” (2), “girl caged but no one can see” (2), “female pedophilia” (2), “teen girls making out sexiest video of women and women lesbian babes” (2), “pre-teen photo album for pedophiles” (1)
Yeeeah….just for future reference, I don’t condone sex with children. Just putting that out there. So…you know, if you’re looking for that….DON’T CLICK ON THE LINK TO MY BLOG! Kthxbye.
The Fun Kind of Perverts:
“orgy” (4), “lesbian orgy” (3), “bondage” (2), “vampire huge boobs” (2), “brunette big tits” (2), “big woman with sexy pussy” (1), “women showing their pussy” (1), “babe sex” (1).
Why yes, I AM a big woman with a sexy pussy. I am also a brunette with big tits. That said, I’m not showing any of it to you on the internet. I expect at least dinner and a movie before you get to see my goodies. I mean, that’s all about classiness and standards. And while I may or may not be interested in orgies or bondage, I’m definitely not a lesbian (sorry, ladies!).
These folks clearly had very specific things in mind. Not that I always know what those things are, but still…
“drima work artist dide face expressions” (3), “corn flakes with orange juice” (2), “a pregnant mother taking care of her father” (2), “is it normal to have a cramp after sex?” (2), “my life my choices my mistakes my lesson not your business” (2), “justice for girls monkey” (1), “women with no arms” (1), “homeless baby alone” (1), “pregnant + monster + curves” (1)
First of all, if you have cramps after every time you have sex, you should probably see a doctor. Secondly, I agree that my choices ARE none of your business. Third, I wouldn’t recommend corn flakes with orange juice. It’s gross. I speak from experience. Fourth, pregnant + monster + curves = the best Doctor Who episode never written. Fifth, I would never leave a homeless baby alone. Sixth, I hope they find justice for that girl’s monkey. And lastly, what the hell are dide face expressions?
Well, that’s all for now! What’s funny is that I know exactly why people ended up at my blog by searching these terms, and usually it’s for reasons that are the complete opposite of why they searched them. In any case, tune in next month when I give you the next 30 days in crazy search terms. And remember, when you type something into Google, the world is watching, and we reserve the right to make fun of you. Or, call the cops.